79 and holding

 It's my 79th New Year. I wanted to watch a few things on television and then go to bed. After a 45-minute phone call with my granddaughter, I was wide awake.

I could write about all the New Years I've experienced, but that would probably be the lamest post. I don't remember any that were worth writing about.

New Year's just doesn't bring up any memories. It could be because it has never been an essential event. There were many I'm sure I spent alone. 

I remember one when my granddaughter was young. My memories are unclear, but I think her Mom was working or going out, and my granddaughter stayed with us. At that time, I had a neighbor who always had illegal fireworks. So he put on his usual show, and my granddaughter and I sat on the front steps and watched. I have limited memories of that night, but I remember it.

I'm sure in my drinking days, I probably did more than share with my granddaughter. Sadly, I don't remember.

At my age, starting a new year is less important. I've seen 79 new beginnings. I've lived through 79 years of life. Some of those years were good, some were happy, and some were full of pain. 

I think I learned something each of those years, but I don't think I put what I learned into practice every year. 

The one thing I've learned this year is how important my faith has been. If my faith had not been strong, I would never have lived to see 79 years. If God's plan is for me to live more years, I'll be grateful and thankful. 

waking up

 My friend Joe gave me a Christmas card that probably started this writing. I couldn't even acknowledge what it meant when he gave it to me. When I came home, I read it again and again. It was a me I had forgotten. And I didn't think I deserved such a card.

I love life and God. All through my life, I have just wanted everyone else to know about my love of life and the Lord. There were times when I was lost, and in that loss, I almost lost Him and my life.

Can you lose your life without dying? Oh yes, you most certainly can. And I did not once but several times. Each time, I lost God. Each time, I found my way back. That is why I continue. He must have thought I was worth it. 

My life has seen so much grief, love, and pain. I never thanked Him enough for dragging me out of the mire kicking and screaming. Each day I hope to help others to know His forgiveness.

Christmas lessons

 This Christmas period has been really different from previous ones. I did the things I normally have done since Bill died, yet things are different.

My grandchildren are adults, some now in their 30s and 40s. Their lives have changed, and my own life has changed yet stayed the same. Mostly because I gave up.

For one thing, I realized I've been wrapped up in my own life and have no clue what is happening in their lives. Am I a selfish woman? Yes. I'm afraid that is me.

I won't apologize. I've always been a bit selfish. I think I thought it was allowed at my age. It isn't, and I'm ashamed of it. I stayed out of their lives because I was lazy and didn't want to intrude. Perhaps I should have done a bit more intruding. Because I don't really know them now, perhaps they prefer it that way. And if so, that's okay.

I remember my good friend Barbara telling me she raised her sons; they were on their own as adults. I didn't like that, but now I know she was right in a lot of ways.

A conversation with a grandson this week really made me think. I don't see him often, and he is a step-grandson, but I have always felt close to him loving him as my own. He brought me a gift of an enlarged canvas print of Bill, and me backed in 1980. We were on one of the few vacations we ever took on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's a favorite photo, but seeing it larger took my breath away. I had tears, and I told him I forgot that Bill and I were pretty good-looking people once upon a time.

Since that visit, I have been thinking about our conversation. I may need to work on myself. All this ill health stuff has changed me. I changed my thinking to something I don't like.

I may write more. You can like it or not. I've always written for myself. I shared it because a few people told me it helped them. Since I first started the blog, I found Christ. Now, my writing reflects my love of the Lord. I've been praying and thinking today. I hope the information I have written will help you.

what do you think?

 Do you believe that you can know when you are ready to die? For the last year, my health has zigzagged all over the place. I've prayed for healing and asked others to pray for my healing.

I wrote about being alone most of the time. I wasn't, really. God was with me, and family and friends were with me spiritually. I've never really minded being alone. Over the years, I have come to like myself and enjoyed the time I've spent reading and learning.

The endoscopy and colonoscopy showed no evidence of problems, so it was another hurdle jumped successfully. There is one more cardiac MRI at the end of the month. I don't believe, and I think the doctor doesn't either, that this will show anything. The hole is in a spot that would take open heart surgery to close, and I'm certainly not going to do that at 80.

I'm sad it can't be fixed, but I'm glad. I hate that I may never get to see my great-grandchildren graduate or marry, yet I seldom see them now. 

I've been painting the last few days. I so enjoy my "coloring". I'm going to give most away. As I paint, I listen to music. It changes quite often. I love the old 80s, 70s and 60s. I love classical. I love Irish and Celtic and, of course, the "old" country. I love just about everything. I always said it was sad that our lives didn't have a soundtrack. Yet, it does. All the music you've enjoyed your entire life. 

So, am I ready to die? Yes. It's liberating!!! I gave my life to Christ some time ago. I've sinned many times since then. Each time, I felt His forgiveness. Is there a heaven or hell? I believe there are. I would like to be in heaven, and there are a lot of people who so deserve hell.

My days are happy. I ignore the bad, rejoice in the good, and just live. No worries. I let them go. God will decide when I am to die. That's comforting, knowing I don't have to worry about it.

die for God

 The other day, I saw a Facebook post listing the ways each of the apostles died. I wish I had saved it. While only two apostles' deaths are recorded in the Bible, other historical records provide the deaths of the others. 

As I went about my day, that post kept coming back to me. Would I be willing to die for Christ? If I'm honest, probably not. I'd like to think I would, but I have no idea. My faith is strong. I always thought I would gladly give my life for my husband, my daughter, and my grandchildren. In fact, I did ask God to take me instead of three of them. 

You rarely see a post, a news item, or anything else about someone dying for God, for their beliefs. It's not important in this age. I know there are people out there who are, people who are giving up their lives to reach those who need our God. 

I've added this to my prayers. I need to know. It may have never crossed your mind. Especially if you don't even believe in Him. The way our world is headed it may become a question I will have to answer. I pray not, but life is never promised us.

If I have an epiphany, I'll let you know. In the meantime, I will ponder and pray.

God given memories

 I've been working on some 5x7 and 8x10 watercolors for the Feed the Need garage sale in the fall. My studio window looks out on what once was a beautiful garden. Finances meant I had to sell my property. God sent me an owner who agreed to rent my house to me until I moved or died. (Yes, it is in a contract, thanks to my wonderful granddaughter.)

They needed a place to leave their big RV when they went to Ecuador. They cut down trees, even the century-old Magnolia that I cherished. The garden had succumbed to Bill and my old age. We could no longer keep it up. You'll have to take my word for it; it was beautiful.

I still have greenery to look at. The bird population has moved on, and I can't say I blame them. I quit feeding except for my hummers. There are too many cats, dogs, and people in the neighborhood now. I have photos of the garden when it was in its prime. That comforts me.

Life moves on, things change, and people leave. The things that were once so important have little value now. New people come into your life and you learn to live in this new space that God has so graciously given you.

I wasn't sure where this was going but it reads fairly well. I'm not depressed, but I am in a memory mode. My memories are what keep me from being depressed. There are bad ones, more than I'd like to admit. Yet, the good ones are God-given, and so they are wonderful.

time alone

 I spend a lot of time alone. During all those years working at the Daily News, I longed for time alone. Even when I got home, there were family around. When I retired, I had time alone since Bill was still teaching, and the family had all left for other places. I did love it. I'm a loner, and there are no two ways about it.

Bill retired, and I had very little time alone, but I was alone when we rode the Harley, other than the wind and the feel of his body. 

Then he died. That was when I really understood being alone. I didn't like it quite so much. Yet, I have always had things that took up my time. 

The one thing I can say about being alone is that you have time to think, pray, and dream. No, I don't dream much anymore. There's not enough time left in my life for dreams. I only have time to pray, think, and remember.

I'm not entirely alone. Four cats keep me company but are very quiet most of the time. My Bible sits close to my chair. I've learned more from the Bible than anything else in the past year. I have music playing 50% of the time, even though it's low and really just background. 

Jesus was alone nine times in the Bible. Here are a few of the verses:

 “At once the Spirit sent [Jesus] out into the desert, and he was in the desert forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him.” (Mark 1:12)

“Jesus went out to a mountain side to pray, and spent the night praying to God. When morning came, he called his disciples to him.” (Luke 6:12-13. 

I think time spent alone lets you reset yourself and gives you time to pray and thank God for your blessings. Time alone. Try it!

True church

 I didn't feel well last night, so watched Wednesday night services online. Willie was super. His message seemed aimed at me although I know it wasn't. 

I was one of those who didn't like the new church at first. Remember, I'm old, so my ideas are set in stone. The building grew on me. There was more room, the acoustics were so much better, and I realized what makes a church.

It's not the building, for sure. Trinity is populated by primarily native Palatkans who have given so much to make Trinity a home for people who believe in God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. That spirit resonates during services. You can feel it.

I'm not a native, but I've lived in East Palatka for 54 years, so I feel like a native most of the time. During that time, when I did go to church, I tried at least 3. Never felt at home, even experiencing a snub in one when it was revealed I was a recovering alcoholic. 

Love flows in Trinity. Even if you are not native, you are welcome. Seeing the young people grow in our church has been a joy. I cannot imagine any church not wanting to be full of young ones. Without them and their participation, the church cannot grow. 

Here is my invitation. Know that you will be welcomed and appreciated at Trinity Baptist Church. There is no dress code; wear flip-flops if you like. Be prepared to be swept up in the spirit. If you aren't, then you don't belong.

random thoughts

 Some thoughts:

My pastor, Willie Mckinnon, has definitely hit the nail on the head the past two Sundays, at least for me. I will work harder to bear fruit for my Savior.

While watching a crime show, I realized that what I thought was a messy house certainly wasn't true—unless you look at the closet or utility room. I'm working on those. 

I needed a new chair for my desk and art table. I ordered one from Amazon, and it arrived. I looked at the big box and was nervous. Could I put it together? I watched the online video and looked at the instructions. Then, the other afternoon, I said to myself, "Self, you can do this!" It took me about two and a half hours, but I did it. 

People keep asking me if the doctors are going to do anything about the hole in my heart. I laugh and say that it depends on which one you ask! I did some research, and I asked questions, and I think it comes down to this. There is nothing they can do short of open heart surgery, and I passed on that one. It may cause more trouble in the future, but no one really knows. God put it there for a reason and He will handle it. In the meantime, He and it has taught me some valuable lessons about life,

I don't know where my life is headed. I live day by day, praying and being grateful. I'm looking for a place to serve, but so far, I have not found my "spot." I will. In the meantime, I'll just be me.

lost and found

I keep sitting down and starting a new post. And then I'm stumped. Words are not coming like they once did. And some of the things I want to say may hurt others.

I've been praying and waiting. 

It will soon be a year since I had Covid. While my case was mild, it unleashed a bunch of new health issues, such as blood clots, pneumonia, and a hole in my heart that, at this time, seems impossible to fix. 

All of that brought me down. I lapsed into a depression that has been a problem for most of my life. The saddest part is how alone I felt. Before you jump, I know I was not alone. There were people in my life, but being the independent woman I am, I didn't reach out. There were many days I just wanted God to let me die. While I cowered and felt sorry for myself, those people kept going. I was the one who lost.

God has given me answers, even though I didn't like them. Yet, I knew where I am today is where He put me. He didn't give me directions, so I am living slowly to catch on to this new person He wants me to be. Through it all, I knew I had the most critical person in my life—God. It's beautiful how He waits for us to notice Him and sends answers.

Am I better? Well, the depression has lessened. I've found some peace with my new decisions, knowing God is leading me.

I'm back

 It's been a long while since I wrote a blog. I was amazed at how much my friends (audience) liked it. I spent a couple of years telling my life story. I'm not the only person who has had an interesting life, but I wanted to share it so that the young people in my life would know my story. 

Then, I ran out of worthwhile topics to write about and share. I've been ill a lot the past year. When I began to get to a point where I no longer required oxygen daily and had a general idea of my future, I began to straighten out my house. In that process, I found the journals I had written over the first 10 years of my retirement and sobriety.

Something I wrote in one of those journals inspired me to start writing again. Throughout my life, I have had some of the most amazing and tragic things happen. I covered all that in the older blogs. 

Suddenly, I felt I needed to reach out. I was active in my church before I got ill. It's only been in the past few months that I have been able to attend Sunday services, Bible study, and Wednesday night prayer meetings. I still miss some, but I thank God for my ability to attend again.

I wanted to volunteer like I had before the illness. However, I did not feel comfortable in any of the venues available. Now, I am using my free time to pray. I pray for people, the church, and the different groups who make Trinity the wonderful, loving place it has become. I keep a list and add to it when something pops up and needs prayer. This is my way of volunteering. 

I strongly believe in prayer. I've seen it work in my life and others. Even though we pray, we don't always get the answer we want. There is always a reason why.

So, here I am again. I don't know that I'll write every day or what I'll write about. I'll write when God gives me an idea.