Me now

 It's been a good while since I wrote on my blog. I lost interest and felt I had very little of interest to anyone else.

A young friend nudged me a bit. All my previous blogs were written for me. I needed a way to let go of my life. I went through therapy after I quit drinking with a fabulous therapist. I had been writing in notebooks, which, if one looks, can be found in nooks and crannies throughout the house. They were the beginning of my trip back to sanity. Giving myself to Jesus during those times also brought me back.

I can't sleep very much, and during those times, I write in my head. It's what I used to do in those unhappy years of marital strife and my quest to find who I was.. I realized that may help some, but if I wrote again, I could sleep again.

So here  I am again. Where to start? There have been many things that have changed me over the past three years. It began with my catching Covid. The following year, I had aspirational pneumonia brought on by a hiatal hernia. Then heart trouble began, along with blood clots. A thrombectomy in January started my foray into cardio and pulmonary problems. That landed me in the ICU in August. I know what the problem is, and I have meds. Neither my heart nor my lungs will improve. With the diagnosis of Congestive Heart Disease, I know now that every day is a gift. 

I'm not the same person. I have been mostly confined to my home since those days, only venturing out for Doctor's appointments and, recently, the Widows' dinner with my church group. I'm hoping to get out more. My body is not what it once was. Over those months, I lost a lot of my ability to move, my arthritis decided to kick in, leaving me with things I had to figure out how to do, and I've lost so much weight that I have no clothes that fit well. 

During this time, I have become closer to God. I pray a lot more. I yell at Him, too. I wasn't ready for this. Thank goodness, He just listens and gives me minor hits when I go too far. 

I'm still painting, taking care of my cat family, and trying to learn more from the Bible. I had an excellent helper, young AJ. Still do when I need him. 

There are days and nights when I just want to give up. I want to let go. I know there is a reason I'm still here. I don't know why, but I'm sure He does. Every day, I fight to keep going. I wait for His call. Don't ever give up on Him. I am honored by His love.

prayer

 Families face so many things in their lives. Mine certainly did and will continue to. It's because life can deal with any of us badly. It's how we face that makes the difference. I know my family has faced bad times, and I know how we survived them.

Some people don't know how to survive. They do not have the props of prayer and love that my family does. When I was desperately trying to find out what was causing my bad health 10 years ago, prayer led me to the answer—not just my prayer and my family's prayer but the prayers of the people in my life who cared. And I survived.

When my Bill got sick with an aggressive and incurable cancer, it was people who cared that got me through the months of his pain and his death. 

You are lost if you do not have those people who care and take the time to pray. I pray a lot. Yet, if you have been someone who did not care and did not pray, you can never expect others to care. 

I am living proof of how prayer helps—how it heals and comforts. I use this platform to reach out. Prayer can take seconds or hours, depending on your feelings. Prayer is what everyone needs and is capable of giving. 

79 and holding

 It's my 79th New Year. I wanted to watch a few things on television and then go to bed. After a 45-minute phone call with my granddaughter, I was wide awake.

I could write about all the New Years I've experienced, but that would probably be the lamest post. I don't remember any that were worth writing about.

New Year's just doesn't bring up any memories. It could be because it has never been an essential event. There were many I'm sure I spent alone. 

I remember one when my granddaughter was young. My memories are unclear, but I think her Mom was working or going out, and my granddaughter stayed with us. At that time, I had a neighbor who always had illegal fireworks. So he put on his usual show, and my granddaughter and I sat on the front steps and watched. I have limited memories of that night, but I remember it.

I'm sure in my drinking days, I probably did more than share with my granddaughter. Sadly, I don't remember.

At my age, starting a new year is less important. I've seen 79 new beginnings. I've lived through 79 years of life. Some of those years were good, some were happy, and some were full of pain. 

I think I learned something each of those years, but I don't think I put what I learned into practice every year. 

The one thing I've learned this year is how important my faith has been. If my faith had not been strong, I would never have lived to see 79 years. If God's plan is for me to live more years, I'll be grateful and thankful.