79 and holding

 It's my 79th New Year. I wanted to watch a few things on television and then go to bed. After a 45-minute phone call with my granddaughter, I was wide awake.

I could write about all the New Years I've experienced, but that would probably be the lamest post. I don't remember any that were worth writing about.

New Year's just doesn't bring up any memories. It could be because it has never been an essential event. There were many I'm sure I spent alone. 

I remember one when my granddaughter was young. My memories are unclear, but I think her Mom was working or going out, and my granddaughter stayed with us. At that time, I had a neighbor who always had illegal fireworks. So he put on his usual show, and my granddaughter and I sat on the front steps and watched. I have limited memories of that night, but I remember it.

I'm sure in my drinking days, I probably did more than share with my granddaughter. Sadly, I don't remember.

At my age, starting a new year is less important. I've seen 79 new beginnings. I've lived through 79 years of life. Some of those years were good, some were happy, and some were full of pain. 

I think I learned something each of those years, but I don't think I put what I learned into practice every year. 

The one thing I've learned this year is how important my faith has been. If my faith had not been strong, I would never have lived to see 79 years. If God's plan is for me to live more years, I'll be grateful and thankful. 

waking up

 My friend Joe gave me a Christmas card that probably started this writing. I couldn't even acknowledge what it meant when he gave it to me. When I came home, I read it again and again. It was a me I had forgotten. And I didn't think I deserved such a card.

I love life and God. All through my life, I have just wanted everyone else to know about my love of life and the Lord. There were times when I was lost, and in that loss, I almost lost Him and my life.

Can you lose your life without dying? Oh yes, you most certainly can. And I did not once but several times. Each time, I lost God. Each time, I found my way back. That is why I continue. He must have thought I was worth it. 

My life has seen so much grief, love, and pain. I never thanked Him enough for dragging me out of the mire kicking and screaming. Each day I hope to help others to know His forgiveness.

Christmas lessons

 This Christmas period has been really different from previous ones. I did the things I normally have done since Bill died, yet things are different.

My grandchildren are adults, some now in their 30s and 40s. Their lives have changed, and my own life has changed yet stayed the same. Mostly because I gave up.

For one thing, I realized I've been wrapped up in my own life and have no clue what is happening in their lives. Am I a selfish woman? Yes. I'm afraid that is me.

I won't apologize. I've always been a bit selfish. I think I thought it was allowed at my age. It isn't, and I'm ashamed of it. I stayed out of their lives because I was lazy and didn't want to intrude. Perhaps I should have done a bit more intruding. Because I don't really know them now, perhaps they prefer it that way. And if so, that's okay.

I remember my good friend Barbara telling me she raised her sons; they were on their own as adults. I didn't like that, but now I know she was right in a lot of ways.

A conversation with a grandson this week really made me think. I don't see him often, and he is a step-grandson, but I have always felt close to him loving him as my own. He brought me a gift of an enlarged canvas print of Bill, and me backed in 1980. We were on one of the few vacations we ever took on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's a favorite photo, but seeing it larger took my breath away. I had tears, and I told him I forgot that Bill and I were pretty good-looking people once upon a time.

Since that visit, I have been thinking about our conversation. I may need to work on myself. All this ill health stuff has changed me. I changed my thinking to something I don't like.

I may write more. You can like it or not. I've always written for myself. I shared it because a few people told me it helped them. Since I first started the blog, I found Christ. Now, my writing reflects my love of the Lord. I've been praying and thinking today. I hope the information I have written will help you.