Turned 70 two days ago. I have a hard time wrapping my mouth around s.e.v.e.n.t.y.!
Seems only yesterday I was 40. The past year has been more like 10 or 15 instead of one with the cancer, my Mom dying, and now my daughter gone. The one good thing is that the cancer is in remission. My Mom was 92 and beginning to show signs of dementia. Steadily getting worse every day before a stroke took her. My daughter had struggled with terrible back trouble and fibromyalgia all leading to an addiction to pain medication. That finally caught up with her causing a pulmonary embolism. She would have been 50 in a few weeks.
Before I got sick I felt like I was 50 at least. I did so much--painting, cooking, gardening, photography, and hiking. That became impossible for almost 18 months. Now I'm getting some of my old energy back and will get more as the chemo leaves my body. I'm already painting and doing some cooking. I have started planning what to put in the greenhouse that has been waiting for me. And the raised beds that will be the beginning of my vegetable garden. I'm excited just planning. And I walk every day.
Every day I see renewed vibes in me. My zest for life runs through my body. I refused to give up when they laid the big "c" word on me. I refuse to give up now that my heart is broken.
One thing you can say about age is that you are far wiser than you once were. Pain, sickness, and heartbreak are easier to deal with because you have learned so many ways to deal with life. And heartbreak can be assuaged with lovely memories.
Life gives you a chance to grow and learn. I didn't always do that. But now I know that all those little irritations (and a few big ones) during my life gave me knowledge to cope with the really big ones later.
We had taught our daughter and her children to never leave without a hug and saying "I love you". Thank goodness they always did. Now I can see my daughter giving me a kiss, a hug, and telling me she loved me. How I wish I could have solved her problems and made her life easier. She made her own choices.
And this afternoon as I sat reading a Mitch Albom book, I distinctly heard her call "Mom" like she had a million times. I held my breath hoping there would be more. And when I realized there wasn't, I cried.
3/17/15
3/15/15
Dear Suzy:
I miss you so much. I have your face in my mind at all times always with your beautiful smile.
Today is a beautiful spring day. The kind you and I love. The fringe trees are popping out and look like green cotton candy. The azaleas are almost finished blooming. Everything is in varying shades of green. The wrens built a nest in that tall cabinet your Dad uses for motorcycle stuff. He left the door open. They built on the top shelf. She has 3 eggs which they now sit on almost round the clock. So cute.
The birdsong is fabulous this time of the year as you well know. The chipping sparrows, painted buntings and the cat birds are still here but I imagine they will be leaving soon. The lone ruby throat hummingbird that stayed all winter has been joined by a couple more. So more feeders went out. A pair or purple finches have been checking out the feeders. Your Dad has to fill them up every other day. That will lessen as the winter birds leave. And the goldfinches have arrived on their migration. There are less this year.
Your Dad and I had a wonderful lunch with Logan, Tuesday, and Brixon. Brixon actually played with me and gave me a kiss when I left. We will make sure he knows all about his Grannie in heaven just as Maria promised with any children Bryan and Jen had. There house is really nice and Logan has fixed it up even nicer. Tuesday and your Dad and I bought him a grill for his birthday. He was so proud of that.
You would be so proud of Bryan. He has handled all of this with the most courage. You would be proud of both of them. And that Jason was here with the donuts the morning after we knew you were gone. He was here off and on and made our day easier.
Lee and Lynn came and spent a morning with us. We had a group hug and cried. They have not changed one bit. And they helped us cope that second day. Lee cooked a bunch of food and brought over. Then the next day David Bryant came. He spent the afternoon with us. He looked good. And your Aunt Linda came over. She brought me two beautiful orchid blooms. You would love them.
You know how much your Dad and I love you. We know you are now out of pain and are with our Lord. You probably already know Judy is being taken care of and will be fine.
I'll write you a letter every so often. Catch you up on things. All my love Mom.
I miss you so much. I have your face in my mind at all times always with your beautiful smile.
Today is a beautiful spring day. The kind you and I love. The fringe trees are popping out and look like green cotton candy. The azaleas are almost finished blooming. Everything is in varying shades of green. The wrens built a nest in that tall cabinet your Dad uses for motorcycle stuff. He left the door open. They built on the top shelf. She has 3 eggs which they now sit on almost round the clock. So cute.
The birdsong is fabulous this time of the year as you well know. The chipping sparrows, painted buntings and the cat birds are still here but I imagine they will be leaving soon. The lone ruby throat hummingbird that stayed all winter has been joined by a couple more. So more feeders went out. A pair or purple finches have been checking out the feeders. Your Dad has to fill them up every other day. That will lessen as the winter birds leave. And the goldfinches have arrived on their migration. There are less this year.
Your Dad and I had a wonderful lunch with Logan, Tuesday, and Brixon. Brixon actually played with me and gave me a kiss when I left. We will make sure he knows all about his Grannie in heaven just as Maria promised with any children Bryan and Jen had. There house is really nice and Logan has fixed it up even nicer. Tuesday and your Dad and I bought him a grill for his birthday. He was so proud of that.
You would be so proud of Bryan. He has handled all of this with the most courage. You would be proud of both of them. And that Jason was here with the donuts the morning after we knew you were gone. He was here off and on and made our day easier.
Lee and Lynn came and spent a morning with us. We had a group hug and cried. They have not changed one bit. And they helped us cope that second day. Lee cooked a bunch of food and brought over. Then the next day David Bryant came. He spent the afternoon with us. He looked good. And your Aunt Linda came over. She brought me two beautiful orchid blooms. You would love them.
You know how much your Dad and I love you. We know you are now out of pain and are with our Lord. You probably already know Judy is being taken care of and will be fine.
I'll write you a letter every so often. Catch you up on things. All my love Mom.
3/5/15
Recently hubby and I went to one of my favorite places-Princess Place Preserve. It's a park maintained by Flagler County. It was purchased by Henry Cutting and his wife Angela in 1886. Cutting built a large lodge on the site named Cherokee Grove. After Henry died, Angela married Boris Scherbatoff, an exiled Russian Prince. Then it became known as Princess Place. It was also the site of the first in-ground swimming pool. The pool still supplied water from an artesian well.
To this day, the lodge is beautiful. The lodge has a wide porch on all four sides. On the front overlooking where the Matanzas River and Pellicer Creek come together are rocking chairs just begging for you to sit, relax, and sometimes watch an eagle or a porpoise. At present, construction crews are making over the old bath houses and the barn. Both of them were in need of a lot of care.
The road into the park winds through pine and hardwood forests. A large bridge covers a small creek through a large expanse of marsh land. It's a favorite place for fisherman to cast their rods. I was lucky enough to see otters play there. Dirt roads meander through the park. It is not uncommon to see deer walking across your path or eating in some of the open areas. And birds of every kind fill the trees and water. During our last picnic there we were entertained by a brown pelican, a wood stork, a kingfisher, and a Harris hawk. First time I had seen a Harris hawk.
Some of the trees are covered in the resurrection fern with wild orchids in among them. These tiny, native orchids called Greenfly orchids have a green bloom. They are hard to see but worth the effort of looking for them.
There are several primative camp sites. On the weekend and during the summer they are always full. Also the preserve has equestrian camp sites and numerous riding trails. Add to that the hiking trails for the walking enthusiasts. There is one hiking trail that is paved with cement for handicapped use. It goes through forests and along the marsh. It's great for people in wheelchairs or electric scooters. Hubby pushed me around in my wheelchair when I was too ill to walk. It was wonderful to be out.
I think I've included all the features of the preserve. The one thing I haven't talked about is the sense of peace I get every time I go there. Once you are in the woods on one of the roads, it's like being in another time and place. I feel it. A sense of relaxation and a spiritual uplifting come to me. Now I know that might be hard for everyone to understand. Nevertheless, it's there. I come home renewed and ready to tackle the world again. Those of you who really know me will understand.
 |
| my photo |
To this day, the lodge is beautiful. The lodge has a wide porch on all four sides. On the front overlooking where the Matanzas River and Pellicer Creek come together are rocking chairs just begging for you to sit, relax, and sometimes watch an eagle or a porpoise. At present, construction crews are making over the old bath houses and the barn. Both of them were in need of a lot of care.
 | |
| my photo |
The road into the park winds through pine and hardwood forests. A large bridge covers a small creek through a large expanse of marsh land. It's a favorite place for fisherman to cast their rods. I was lucky enough to see otters play there. Dirt roads meander through the park. It is not uncommon to see deer walking across your path or eating in some of the open areas. And birds of every kind fill the trees and water. During our last picnic there we were entertained by a brown pelican, a wood stork, a kingfisher, and a Harris hawk. First time I had seen a Harris hawk.
 | |
| my photo |
Some of the trees are covered in the resurrection fern with wild orchids in among them. These tiny, native orchids called Greenfly orchids have a green bloom. They are hard to see but worth the effort of looking for them.
 |
| borrowed from internet |
There are several primative camp sites. On the weekend and during the summer they are always full. Also the preserve has equestrian camp sites and numerous riding trails. Add to that the hiking trails for the walking enthusiasts. There is one hiking trail that is paved with cement for handicapped use. It goes through forests and along the marsh. It's great for people in wheelchairs or electric scooters. Hubby pushed me around in my wheelchair when I was too ill to walk. It was wonderful to be out.
 | |
| my picture |
I think I've included all the features of the preserve. The one thing I haven't talked about is the sense of peace I get every time I go there. Once you are in the woods on one of the roads, it's like being in another time and place. I feel it. A sense of relaxation and a spiritual uplifting come to me. Now I know that might be hard for everyone to understand. Nevertheless, it's there. I come home renewed and ready to tackle the world again. Those of you who really know me will understand.
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